A Song of Lisps and Zebras: Or How I Didn't Learn To Stop Whining And Love The Goat

WARNING: HERE THERE BE A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE/GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE FIRST THREE BOOKS OR AREN'T CAUGHT UP WITH THE SHOW, TURN BACK NOW, OR BE SPOILED.

 I am, without a doubt, a huge ASOIAF fan. I love the books, I love the show, I've wasted countless hours on ASOIAF/GOT-based game mods, hanging around ASOIAF/GOT subreddits, and even making stupid Cleganebowl stuff in photoshop because why not.

The thing is, normally, changes from the book to the show don't bother me. I'm actually quite happy with a few of them, like the scenes between Arya and Tywin. There's just one that really gets on my nerves, and I feel it's something of a silly thing, as I never see anyone else bring it up. It's always Renly this, Loras that, book Tyrion book Tyrion whitewash whitewash. You see, the thing that actually got to me was the removal of (and replacement with an amalgamation character) one of the most interesting minor characters in the fictional world of ASOIAF.

Vargo "The Goat" Hoat is the leader of the Brave Companions, a group of marauders hired by the Lannisters to go around Westeros causing havoc. They're not just any group of mindless barbarians however, the thing about the Brave Companions is that they're all this insane, eclectic group of flamboyant lunatics and monsters that try to have "fun" while committing some of the most horrible acts in the series.

Urswyck the Unfaithul, second in command and constantly described as basically being a walking corpse. 

Utt, a self-flagellating pedophilic former septon that constantly weeps between his horrible acts. 

Qyburn, the former Maester who is essentially Westeros's Herbert West. 

Shagwell, a psychopathic jester.

Zollo, the world's fattest Dothraki.

Rorge & Biter, two vicious escaped criminals with a penchant for rape and cannibalism.

Every single member of the Brave Companions is something of an oddity, and each of them are interesting enough to leave you wanting to know more about them. They're like major characters from another story that just wandered into the one you're reading.

Still, it is not so much for the lack of any of them that I feel like griping. I mean Qyburn is still in, and Rorge and Biter are still technically in... but the man I'm left missing is their leader.

Vargo Hoat hails from Qohor, one of the free cities of Essos, and is the only character in the series that has ever been introduced to come from there. He's a tall, gaunt, strange looking man that worships "the Black Goat", wears a large goat-horned helmet, rides a Zorse (ASOIAF's zebras), and has a tongue so swollen that most of the words that come out of his mouth are difficult to understand from the lisp. He's also known as "The Crippler" for his rather disturbing preference for how to deal with his victims: He slowly removes their body parts while they're still alive.

He is, without a doubt, one of the strangest people that readers will meet in the series. From the way he looks, the way he talks, his actions, and the fact that he rides a fucking zebra. Seriously, in Westeros they had a team of flamboyant psychopaths lead by a lisping sadist in a goat helmet on a zebra, and we missed that. You will never see that in live action.

Instead, the show got a man by the name of "Locke." Locke looks similar to how I pictured Vargo Hoat, and he commits some of the same actions (he's responsible for Jaime's lack of hand, he brings Jaime and Brienne to Harrenhal, and he sends Brienne to fight a bear), but it's just not the same.

For starters, besides the lack of zorse, lisp, goat helmet, or Brave Companions following him, he's no longer a backstabber. In the third ASOIAF book, the reason why Vargo Hoat has Jaime's hand cut off is to prevent Roose Bolton from trying to switch allegiances and serve the Lannisters, as Vargo knows that Roose has lost faith in Robb Stark. Vargo Hoat is terrified of this, as he was a former Lannister man that brought Harrenhal under Roose's control during Arya and Jaqen's attack on the Lannister guards. He knows that if Roose abandons the North and joins the Westerlands, he'll be left to pay for his actions. He has suddenly become very, very aware of the "Curse of Harrenhal."

As show watchers and book readers know, this does end up happening. In both of them, Roose Bolton makes a pact with Tywin Lannister at some point and, alongside Walder Frey, organizes the Red Wedding to kill Robb and Catelyn Stark. But, since show-Vargo (Locke) has always been a loyal Roose follower, he has nothing to worry about. For book-Vargo, however, he ends up meeting possibly the most horrifying fate in the book series.

Before Vargo Hoat forced Brienne to fight the bear back at Harrenhal, he made a failed attempt at raping her that caught him his ear (Brienne bites it off), which ends up becoming heavily infected and making Vargo significantly more crazy than usual. Eventually the rest of the Brave Companions abandon Vargo Hoat at Harrenhal, and by the time Ser Gregor "The Mountain that Rides" Clegane finds him he's defenseless. The Mountain decides to give him some ironic punishment by slowly removing his body parts and having him eat them.

Compare that to the series, where Locke is sent up to the wall to find Bran for Roose (and his apparent friend Ramsay, who seems to have taken on parts of Vargo Hoat), and ends up being killed by Hodor. ...by Hodor.

I know all of this is trivial, I mean this is a very minor character, and I don't -hate- the show's replacement for him, but I do really feel like we missed out on something by not getting him in the show.

I have a good idea as to -why- we didn't get him. The zorse would look too silly, his lisp would get annoying, his horrifying treatment of those around him would distract from the Theon-Ramsay scenes happening in the same season, and they didn't have the time or budget to show the Boltons taking Harrenhal during season two. Still, I will miss him.

I have my fingers crossed that he will be the only awesome character to not end up making it into the series.

My Ten Favorite Songs Of All Time

Recently I got into a discussion over what exactly makes a great film, and how to even really 'rank' a great film. I've always been a person that can only rate things comparatively, like within a genre or maybe choosing the best or worst from a specific creator, so it has taken me a lot of meditating on the issue to really get together what my thoughts are.

Over the week I've been thinking of what criteria my favorite songs and films should fall under. What it is that I specifically look for in a film or song that leaves me always thinking fondly back to either one, and honestly, with films I still cannot do it. I tried my best, but I just cannot state, even when it's just in my own opinion, what the greatest films, to me, are, unless I'm doing it on a genre basis. There's just too many conflicting factors.

Songs, on the other hand, I feel I can do. I've found that what is most important to me, and what gets to me most, is really my own interaction with the song. My favorite songs are the songs that, no matter how I'm feeling when they come on, I just get lost in them. Songs where I can feel my body moving on its own, and where I just forget all problems I'm having. It's not the lyrical content, it's not even so much the musical skill, it's just the energy and the catchiness.

The following list of songs is in no particular order, as even when I managed to bring myself to select my top ten favorite songs of all time, I just could not rank them compared to each other. These are merely the ten songs that I love more than any other song, regardless of genre.

"Anarchy In The U.K." - The Sex Pistols

I wouldn't particularly call myself the biggest fan of the genre. I do enjoy some punk. I love Sex Pistols, Dead Kennedys, Butthole Surfers, Black Flag, and Dead Milkmen, but it's not particularly a genre I seek out.

This song, however... there's just something about the raw energy. The noise, the force, I just feel like a completely different person. The song feels like a calling to a movement, and I can easily see how this helped to birth an entire genre. It's the song equivalent to the big, motivational speech in a drama, only instead of Robin Williams getting you to stand on your chair, it's a bunch of unwashed british guys calling for anarchy.





"Fortunate Son" - Creedence Clearwater Revival

In a similar line of thought, we have Fortunate Son. To me, this is one of those songs where the second you hear it, it's like being transported to a completely other time. Everything about this song works to paint an image that encompasses the feelings of so many angry Americans during the Vietnam War, and in it's short run time (barely two minutes), it manages to emotionally put you in their shoes.

This song is basically a time capsule for 1969, and it's no surprise this song plays in so many films set in the era to ease the viewer in. I'm not sure any other song could do the job as well as this could for any other decade. It's quick, it's energetic, it's fantastically written, and I will never grow tired of it, even after seeing it in dozens of commercials for jeans and summer sales.




"Hey Jude" - The Beatles

The Beatles, for me, are an easy choice for one of my favorite bands of all time. It's a hard decision as to what other bands would be up there, but The Beatles are an easy in. No other band has made so many songs that I just -love-, have made so many albums that I just want to relisten to in order so many times, or has had as much of an impact on me, so it was no surprise for me that I found one of their songs on my list.

Hey Jude is easily one of the most recognizable songs out there. It's just so memorable, and so inviting to join in midway through that it's more comparable to a christmas carol than a normal song, and the longer the song goes on for, the more energy it gets, building up to crowds of people chanting along for as long as need be while Paul goes crazy on piano.

It helps that the song is also extremely beautiful lyrically, especially when one knows the backstory, that Paul wrote the song for John Lennon's child during a period where John's relationship with his wife was breaking down and he was becoming more and more involved with Yoko Ono. It's just such a beautiful song to a child going through a rough time in any kid's life, and combined with the fantastic, easy to remember and recognize music, it's just one big inspirational force.





"Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" - Journey

Quick story as to why this actually managed to be the first song to pop into my mind for this list: I am, and always have been, a huge fan of the film Tron, and I was so psyched when a sequel was announced. For months I counted down to its theatrical release, I was -pumped-, I don't usually get that excited for new movies. How'd it go down? Well... ...it sucked.

What does that story have to do with Separate Ways, you might be wondering. Well, this song is one of the big reasons why I didn't feel too bad about the movie being crap. There's a simple scene of this song playing while the camera shows off an old school arcade, and for the duration of the song, I was pumped. More pumped than I normally get from -great- movies. I'm not joking when I say that hearing this -epic- song over the theater's sound system was worth the price of admission, and if the film had ended there, I wouldn't have minded.

That, to me, is a sign of a song being undoubtedly fantastic.





"Living On A Prayer" - Bon Jovi

As I've said, I love energetic songs, and I love songs that can bring a packed room full of people together singing along. These two descriptors sum of a lot of Bon Jovi's catalogue, and I will always love the man for it. I'm a person that is rather ashamed of my singing voice, but even I have a hard time keeping myself from singing along whenever this song is on. It's insanely catchy, it's powerful, it's a great storytelling song, and I just absolutely love it.

Although they are not on my list, You Give Love A Bad Name and Dead or Alive both deserve honorable mention. Although not as awesome, to me, as Living on a Prayer, they're both still -fantastic- songs.





"Fat Bottom Girls" - Queen

Even if you didn't expect this song in particular, it was a given that on a list of songs where energy and catchiness are considered important, Queen would be on that list.

So much of Queen's discography just lends itself to the band's flamboyant and energetic performances and Freddy's powerful stage presence, and I can easily say that, as with the previously mentioned Beatles, Queen would be in my list of greatest bands of all time. Freddy Mercury especially was a master of getting crowds pumped, and no other singer could match the amount of vigor the man had during live performances.

This song in particular, just... I can't even explain it. The lyrics are hilarious, but the band performs it in such an amazing, epic way that you end up with a song that is equal parts awe inspiring and silly. It's like a clown juggling knives on fire.

Honorable mention goes to Princes of the Universe. If you're going to remember anything from Highlander's TV series, it's that it had the single greatest theme song ever. Even if you didn't like the show, you just can't change the channel until the theme song is over.





"Painkiller" - Judas Priest

I am, without a doubt, a huge metal fan. I was raised on the genre, and it still makes up a large chunk of my music library. While my taste in various subgenres of metal has changed over the years, one important thing has not, and that is that Painkiller is the single greatest metal song of all time.

It's fast, powerful, skillfully played and sung, and extremely over the top. The solos are fantastic, the drumming is insane, and the vocals are beyond description. This song, to me, sums up metal as a genre, and then sets up a throne atop it all so it can gloat over all other attempts at what it has mastered. This is, without a single bit of doubt, the greatest achievement in the genre, and should be regarded as such.





"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler

Probably feels odd to see this after a song like Painkiller, but Total Eclipse of the Heart is a song I am just in love with. It's powerful, it's moving, it's instantly recognizable, and as silly as the music video may be it's just an altogether fantastic song.

It's got a slow buildup into a powerful chorus and just continues from there, building up and building up, with Bonnie Tyler's recognizable raspy vocals kicking into overdrive before slowing back down... and then regaining its energy for a big finish after a fantastic synth solo.

This song is, for me, how a lot of people describe Stairway to Heaven. Like this fantastic, movie-like experience that you just get completely lost in, a song that truly deserves to be graced with the word "epic."





"Who Was In My Room Last Night" - Butthole Surfers

Truth be told, this is one of the songs that got me into wanting to play guitar, up there with Painkiller and the entirety of Metallica's Ride the Lightning album. It's fast, it's insane, it's got an extremely unique sound and feel to it, and every time I hear it I just want to play along to it so badly.

The solos are complex and all over the place, the riff is hypnotic, and Gibby Hayne's drug fueled lyrics are as awesome as ever. Combine that with a music video full of bizarre hot rod imagery and RHCP's Flea looking completely coked up and you've got one of the greatest bizarre songs out there.





"It's Raining Men" - The Weather Girls

I know many people out there have a dislike of this song, and I myself had a dislike of it for awhile around the time I realized I wasn't straight, purely because I didn't want to engage in stereotypical behavor. But I've gotten past that, and I must confess, It's Raining Men is a classic.

It's just so fun and catchy, and the lyrics are so hilarious that you can easily pair the song with any video footage and make it hilarious. I can't count the times I've seen that happen and still managed to laugh everytime.

It's a great over the top disco song that manages to both be a silly example of the genre and an awesome song at the same time, and for that it deserves recognition. Easily my favorite disco song of all time, ahead of even the likes of ABBA's Gimme Gimme Gimme, Dschinghis Khan's Moskau, and Boney M's Rasputin.




Honorable Mentions:

These are some songs that are also just -fantastic- and were up for consideration, but got bumped out of the list. If the list was for 15 or 20, these would have been in.

"10538 Overture" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Aqualung" - Jethro Tull
"Carry On My Wayward Son" - Kansas
"Party Hard" - Andrew W.K.
"Pool Party" - The Aquabats 

The Lesser Simpsons Episodes of the "Golden Years"

As we discussed last time, and I realize it's been awhile but I've been busy with a lot of crap lately, despite the general drop in quality in the later seasons of The Simpons, there are still gems in the seasons that aren't often defended. This time, I want to tackle something similar, but on the opposite end. Today we're tackling the episodes from the show's golden years that just don't have the mark of quality we associate with early Simpsons.

I want to first say that I'm not covering season one episodes here. I feel that it would be unfair to put them here because the show was having difficulty finding its place, and if I did put it here it would probably take up the bulk of the list due to how awkward most of it can be to watch. Instead, I'll merely leave my thoughts on season one as "Worth watching to see how it all began, but overall, aside from Some Enchanted Evening, it's a bit awkward and unevenly paced." I'm also not including clip shows, as I do not feel that they are true episodes.

Also please note that I'm not saying these are awful episodes, merely episodes that I feel are of low quality in comparison to how fantastic the rest of each of these early seasons were.





#10: "Brother from the Same Planet"
Season Four

The Plot: The main story involves Homer being late to pick up Bart after soccer practice, which makes Bart so furious he ends up seeking out a big brother program to give him a more competent adult role model to hang out with. Homer finds out and goes to the same program where he takes on a young boy named Pepe to treat as a son. Shennanigans occur. There's also a b plot where Lisa becomes addicted to a hotline wherein she can listen to a boy named Corey that she is obsessed with, and her attempts to quit.

Why it's on this list: For the most part, this is a really forgettable episode, aside from the opening which I'll discuss later. I mean I guess Bart and Homer learning to get along together is nice, but it's been done better by other episodes, and Homer still ends up coming across more as a really horrible father in this one than anything. The Lisa b-story is even more forgettable and, to me, always felt out of place for someone like Lisa, but maybe that's me. Beyond the plots being really forgettable, outside of the opening, there really aren't many memorable humorous moments in this episode, and altogether it's the kind of thing where, going back, you're like "Oh man, I kinda remember this.", but it's not going to stay with you.

What it still did right: Pick Up Bart. "Trab pu kcip! Trab pu kcip!" This, Bart's vision of Homer while he's in the car, and the fight scene towards the end of the episode are the best parts of the episode, and the only moments that really stuck with me.

Overall thoughts: Not a bad episode, but a mostly forgettable episode with a plot that's been done better elsewhere on the show.





#9: "My Sister, My Sitter"
Season 8

The Plot: Lisa becomes a popular babysitter around town, and when Marge and Homer decide to head towards a big celebration at the Springfield boardwalk she is left to babysit her brother, Bart.

Why it's on this list: A lot of my dislike for this episode is centered around the ending, which really, really bothered me, not something most Simpsons episodes have ever been able to do, so this is a big case of "your mileage may vary." It bothers me that Bart gets horribly wounded and Lisa ends up trying to cover it up so that she doesn't get blamed, which ends up getting really... really dark before she's finally caught by the adults. After that? Well, none of the adults end up caring, and Bart apologizes to her. This bothers the living crap out of me, because the way they handle her carrying around Bart's injured body is honestly kinda disturbing, and in the end it all works out because the adults in Springfield don't really care and Bart's randomly feeling apologetic. It just feels like a copout to me, and it's always bothered me.

What it still did right: I love the entire subplot of Homer and Marge at the boardwalk. The entire early scene where Lisa is babysitting Rod and Todd is also really hilarious and helped bump this episode to a better position on my list, as well as Krusty's reaction to Bart's injury.

Overall thoughts: Not a -bad- episode, just an episode that, for me, is a bit disturbing and anger inducing.





#8: "The Principal and the Pauper"
Season 9

The Plot: It turns out that Principal Skinner is actually a former street thug named Armin Tanzarian who has been posing as Seymour Skinner this entire time. He loses his job, tries to go back to his old life, but nobody likes the real Skinner so he's brought back to being the principal and it's made illegal in Springfield to ever reference this episode again.

Why it's on this list: Do you really need to ask? The plot goes against everything we've known about Skinner this entire time, and that alone enraged not only a chunk of the fanbase, but even Skinner's voice actor, Harry Shearer. To this day this episode brings up some pretty heated arguments and a lot of bile based on the plot alone. The entire DVD commentary for the episode is basically just a mix of accepting that the fans and Shearer hate it and trying to defend it by saying that it was all intentional all along, to make an episode that parodies big reveals and plot twists in shows.

What it still did right: The writing is still hilarious on this episode, and I honestly think that keeps it from being the worst episode of the first 9 seasons, as so many claim. I especially love when Skinner reveals he had a choice of apologizing to the old woman who owned the purse he stole, or joining the army, and how if he'd known there was a war going on he just would have apologized. I'm a big fan of Skinner, especially back in the days when he was more than just a momma's boy, and this episode is just full of classic Skinner lines.

Overall thoughts: Horrible plot, but an episode that makes up for it by still being really, really funny. Certainly not the worst episode from the first nine seasons.





#7: "Treehouse of Horror 2"
Season 3

The Plot: Lisa has a nightmare based on The Monkey's Paw, Bart has a nightmare where he has godlike powers, and Homer has a nightmare that he gets put into a robot body and then has Mr. Burns' head attached to his shoulder.

Why it's on this list: I hate having to put a ToH episode on this list, as they tend to be some of the best episodes of the series, but this one to me is really, really weak in comparison. There's some funny bits here and there, especially in the Monkey Paw story, but Bart's nightmare is pretty dull and I found most of Homer's nightmare to be pretty boring as well. The second story especially bothers me because the few jokes aren't very funny, and half of it ends up being more of a bad attempt at a touching Bart and Homer story, which just feels really, really out of place for a Treehouse of Horror episode.

What it still did right: The Monkey Paw story full stop besides the abrupt ending. The board with a nail on it is especially something I still reference to this day, and is easily the best moment in this entire episode.

Overall thoughts: A rather boring episode, at least by Treehouse of Horror standards. Given how amazing the Halloween special was after this one, I'd say they learned what they did wrong.





#6: "The Canine Mutiny"
Season 8

The Plot: You know that cliched sitcom plot where someone doesn't understand how credit cards work and in the end runs into trouble when all of their stuff they bought with the credit card is taken away? Well, even The Simpsons fell victim to that plot. Bart gets a credit card, orders a bunch of stuff including a parody of Lassie, and when people come to repossess all of the stuff he bought, he lies so they'll take Santa's Little Helper instead of the Lassie dog.

Why it's on this list: Beyond being a really, really overly cliched plot, it's an SLH centered episode, and maybe it's just me, but I always found those to be the low points of the series. Those and Maggie centric episodes. This is just the worst of all of them because 1. It's less moving than Dog of Death, 2. It's lacking the gags Bart's Dog Gets An F has, and 3. We already had a similar episode, without the cliched credit card crap, wherein Mr. Burns ended up training SLH to be an attack dog. It's cliched, it's a repeated plot, and it's just not very funny.


What it still did right: While I stand by that the bulk of the episode is not funny, it still gave us a few rare hilarious bits, like Groundskeeper Willie being questioned about what happened to SLH. "I 'ate him!" I also lived Milhouse rambling about his fish. The ending was also pretty funny and took me by surprise.

Overall thoughts: Tired and cliche-filled, but still has some amusing moments.





#5: "Saturdays of Thunder"
Season 3

The Plot: Homer helps Bart build a soapbox racer for a competition, but fails so hard at making said racer that Bart ends up teaming up with Martin instead, so that Bart will race using Martin's car just so Nelson won't win. Homer gets upset about it, Marge makes a speech, Homer is no longer upset and decides he'll be proud of Bart, a Ben-Hur parody happens, and Bart wins.

Why it's on this list: First off, it's about as cliched as the previous episode on this list. The only reason why it's lower is that this episode has the misfortune of also being easily one of the most forgetable episodes of the early seasons. It has very little in the way of original humor, and relies way too much on movie references.

What it still did right: The McBain segment where his partner gets shot. I love the McBain segments so much, and this is honestly one of the only moments in the episode that I'd call memorable. Beyond that, it's also at least sweet to see Homer and Bart bonding, even if it has been handled better in other episodes.

Overall thoughts: So forgettable that after reading this article you're going to ask yourself "I thought they were going to cover 10 episodes, that was only 9!" You're probably never going to quote or reference anything in this episode beyond Mendoza, but it's still nothing that would piss anyone off, and it's not like the jokes are groaners, they just fall flat or don't exist.






#4: "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"
Season 8

The Plot: Troy McLure shows off three Simpsons spin-offs: One in which Abe Simpson's soul is stuck in a love-matic machine in Moe's Tavern and must help Moe with his love life, one in which Skinner and Wiggum fight crime in New Orleans, and another which is just a parody of 70s variety hour shows.

Why it's on this list: The variety hour segment is more annoying and dumb than funny. The Simpsons family members and Lisa's replacement sing some songs and do purposefully bad jokes, but just because they're intentionally bad doesn't somehow make them funny. The Skinner and Wiggum bit is also really lame beyond a few amusing lines here and there.

What it still did right: The Love-Matic Grandpa was hilarious, and Troy McLure is always awesome. I also smiled a bit at some of the lines in the Skinner & Wiggum segment, but I still disliked the segment overall.

Overall thoughts: It's like the 125th Episode Spectacular, only poorly done. Just watch Love-Matic Grandpa and skip, he'll fill your hearts with love.






#3: "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment"
Season 2

The Plot: Homer steals cable and Lisa gets really preachy over her fears that the family will go to hell because of it. No, seriously, that's the episode.

Why it's on this list: There's really not that much funny going on in this episode. Instead it's mainly just really preachy, and Lisa ends up being almost as annoying in this episode as she does in the later seasons. It's preachy, it's the closest the show ever got to a Very Special Episode, and it's awkward rewatching.

What it still did right: The opening scene is pretty damn funny, it's a parody of a scene from the Charlton Heston Ten Commandments movie, and I love it. Also, I believe this is Dredrick Tatum's first appearance on the show, and he's easily one of my favorite recurring bit characters.

Overall thoughts: I usually skip this one when marathoning the series, but only after the opening scene. At the time of air I guess it wasn't that bad of an episode beyond how preachy it is, but characterization has marched on so much that this... really just feels wrong. That can also be one way of getting entertainment out of the episode, though. Thinking about how funny it is that Lisa's the most faithful Christian in the family, though that doesn't save her yelling at her mother about eating two grapes at a grocery store.





#2: "Fear of Flying"
Season 6

The Plot: Homer gets kicked out of Moe's, struggles to find a new bar, ends up pretending to be a pilot so he can get into the pilot only bar, but is forced to act as a pilot, which ends up causing a minor accident. The airlines give the family free passes to shut them up, and the rest of the episode is about Marge being afraid of flying because she found out that her dad was a stewardess.

Why it's on this list: Reread that last bit again. Seriously, the main plot of this episode is really, really stupid and forgettable, it feels like something from season 15 or so, so it always surprises me that it came from what I'd consider to be the best season of the series. I'm not exactly a big fan of Marge centric episodes, but this is just really, really dumb.

What it still did right: The short opening plot about Homer trying to find another bar is funny, and it's pretty much the only humorous part of this episode. I especially love how Homer keeps telling the airport guy that he's not a real pilot and the guy just keeps saying "You flyboys crack me up" in disbelief. The Cheers parody is also really hilarious.

Overall thoughts: Watch the episode up until after Homer's plane accident, then skip. You've just watched the only part of the episode worth watching.






#1: "Lisa the Simpson"
Season 9

The Plot: Lisa realizes that her family members are as dumb as a rock, and that they begin losing their intelligence at a certain age. She becomes worried that she's about to become stupid like everyone else, and treats her brain to one last night around the town, only for it to turn out in the end that only male Simpsons family members have the moron curse, all the women are super successful, they just never get seen or referenced before or ever again.

Why it's on this list: Most of the above episodes are just forgettable or unfunny, this one actually just outright pisses me off. It basically says that Bart is doomed, like all Simpsons males, to be a complete idiot, but somehow the Simpsons women are immune to this, and altogether this just strikes me as a really stupid, unfunny, and sexist episode. I've never been fond of Simpsons episodes that paint family members in a negative light and then never fix that in some way, or have them learning a lesson, so to have an episode that explicitly has all Simpsons men turn out to be genetically moronic just really bothers me.

What it did right: The short subplot where Jasper is discovered to have been frozen in the Kwik-E-Mart, and that's pretty much it. The bulk of the jokes elsewhere in the episode really fall flat.

Overall thoughts: Want an episode about Lisa coming to terms with her intelligence relative to those around her? Go watch They Saved Lisa's Brain wherein she joins Mensa with Comic Book Guy, Dr. Hibbert, Dr. Frink, and Lindsay Nagel. Want a Flowers for Algernon episode? Go watch HOMR, as I recommended in the last article. Just avoid this episode. I would easily call this to be the worst of the "golden age" of The Simpsons.

The Top 10 Best Post-Season 11 Episodes of The Simpsons

I am, without a doubt, a Simpsons fanatic. I own the first 12 seasons on DVD, I've owned every single Simpsons video game and beaten all but two to completion, I've owned all of the Simpsons music CDs, and a large amount of Simpsons merchandise ranging from board games to action figures to clothing. I can't go an hour without making a reference, and my ringtone for the longest time was Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes: The Musical (from the classic episode A Fish Called Selma, of course).

I'm also someone that will admit that the show has decreased in quality. Personally I'm a lot more forgiving than some people who seem to think the show hasn't had a good episode since around season eleven, so I've come to help try to change that perspective around. Although I will admit that none of the following episodes would be in my top 20 Simpsons episodes (an article I plan to write soon), I still feel that up until around season nineteen, the show still had its moments. So, without further intro, let's tackle what I consider to be the top ten best episodes of The Simpsons that aired in seasons thirteen and up.


#10:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore
Season 17

First off, let me begin by saying that, along with the Treehouse of Horror episodes, the "Simpsons Family goes to X" episodes tend to be some of the best, with the exception of the (in my opinion, of course) atrocious Florida episode. It should be no surprise that I have two of them on this list.

This is an example of how an episode can be hilarious even if the "A" story doesn't sound original or interesting. Basically, Homer is sent to work in India because Mr. Burns outsources the nuclear plant (No I don't know how that would work, please don't ask me how we use a nuclear plant in India) and has to deal with the cultural differences.

Why, then, did I pick this as number ten on this list? Part of it is the surprisingly hilarious "B" story wherein Patty and Selma kidnap Richard Dean Anderson, which is a lot funnier than it sounds, and the rest of it is just the hilarious bits and quotables that pop up in the episode.

My Favorite Moments:

-Lenny warning about sitting close to the screen when they have to watch a short film, deciding instead to sit in back with nuclear chemicals that cause him to glow in the dark.

-Richard Dean Anderson slowly going insane. Especially when he makes McGuyver burgers using slim jims, rubber bands, and a cheese grater.

-The musical number at the end. That song will get stuck in your head, trust me.





#9:
The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
Season 15

Now, I'm going to go ahead and admit that this may be due to a big personal bias here: I love Jon Lovitz. Seriously, I freaking can't get enough of him. If the name doesn't sound familiar, beyond popping up in a bunch of Simpsons episodes, he was on SNL a bunch in the late 80s and the 90s, he was the star of the classic 90s animated show The Critic, and he's popped up in just about every Adam Sandler film.

The plot is something fairly usual for the later seasons in that its ripped from the headlines. There's no real B story, and the A story is mainly just a parody of what happened to Martha Stewart, only with Artie Ziff, the millionaire voiced by Jon Lovitz that loved Marge and appeared in a few prior episodes.

To sum up the episode, Homer and Marge find out Artie has been living in their attic because of some business trouble he got into. They let him stay there, he gives Homer control of his company, Homer goes to jail for Artie's wrongdoings.

Why is this episode still awesome beyond that, to me? A lot of it is just Jon Lovitz. The man is seriously -hilarious- in this episode, and pretty much every laugh I had was at something he said or something related to his character, the rest were at the parody horror film at the beginning.

My Favorite Moments:

-The movie Lenny stars in that is shown at the beginning. It's an awesome parody of evil little doll movies, and I couldn't stop laughing. "What are you doing possessed at this hour!?"

-The bit at Moe's Tavern where we see all of the characters Lovitz has voiced on the show, and they all greet him in unison.

-Lisa's line about Artie crying when the ice cream man cut up his credit cards.





#8:
Dude, Where's My Ranch?
Season 14

I was seriously amazed about this one, because I thought it was from an earlier season, and I mean that in the best ways possible.

The basics are this: Homer tries to write a Christmas carol, ends up just writing a song about how much he hates Flanders which becomes a hit. Eventually the family get tired of hearing it and retreat to a ranch to relax. Once there, it divides into two plots: Bart and Homer helping a Native American tribe destroy a beaver dam, and Lisa falling in love with a boy at the ranch, but getting jealous once she thinks that he has a girlfriend.

This episode is just awesome, from beginning to the end, and is really more than just a bunch of hilarious bits. It's one of the few episodes post season eleven that I feel really has a nice story to it, and I just really love it.

My Favorite Moments:

I'll just let Homer's song sum it up.






#7:
Goo Goo Gai Pan
Season 16

Like I said earlier, the Simpsons travel episodes are some of the best, so it should be no surprise that there's another on this list.

This episode... I love, nonstop. It's got more plot than most travel episodes, one that centers around the previously brought up issue of Selma's desperate loneliness. She discovers that she has entered menopause, and as such no longer has a chance of giving birth, which leads into the main plot of her attempts at adopting a Chinese baby.

Although the episode is done in a way similar to the other travel episodes, with the family finding various things across China and having shenanigans occur because of their not being from there, alongside parodies of China, but it's still got the touching story to help make it shine. You really do feel for Selma, and it has some really heartwarming moments, surprising for an episode from such a late season.

My Favorite Moments:

-The Death of a Salesman play, and Homer's reaction. "I finally get this play!"

-Pretty much every moment between Selma and her baby is heartwarming, I love it.

-The Chinese acrobat suffering from a sudden case of outspokeness and bullet to the head.





#6:
I Am Furious Yellow
Season 13

Y'know how I mentioned that I tend to overquote The Simpsons? This episode is one of those that has something that I can't stop referencing, and I feel it's probably the most memorable thing about this episode: Its guest star, Stan Lee.

The plot is simple: Bart makes a comic, and then later a flash cartoon, based on the exploits of his dad being angry and moronic. The closest thing to a b-story this episode features is Stan Lee's shenanigans at Comic Book Guy's shop.

I love this episode because, despite being another "Let's parody this trendy thing" episode, it does it in a pretty funny way, and the flash things we see do seem like the kinds of things that would have been a hit back in the days when French Erotic Film and Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny were popular. I also love it because, seriously, Stan Lee steals the whole damn episode.

My Favorite Moments:

-"Stan Lee came back?" "Stan Lee never left."

-Stan Lee trying to force The Thing into The Batmobile.

-The Bohring World of Nielhs Bohr





#5:
Insane Clown Poppy
Season 12

I really love Krusty. He's a horrible, horrible person that has to entertain kids for a living, and he tends to make me laugh anytime he's on screen. Hell, one of my favorite quotes of all time is when he brought up that he wasn't wearing makeup. I also really love Simpsons episodes that also get kinda serious and sweet, so it should be no surprise that two of my favorite episodes are this and the episode surrounding Krusty being estranged from his father.

The episode follows Krusty finding out that he has a child from a one night stand and his attempts to make her happy. It's a really sweet episode that lacks a b story, but does have a bit of a long lead in story regarding Homer and Bart destroying Lisa's room and her being taken to an outdoor book festival as an apology.

The interactions between Krusty and his daughter are sweet and hilarious, Krusty still manages to be a completely horrible person, although he does feel guilt over it and eventually does well, and it's got some really hilarious and memorable bits inbetween.

My Favorite Moments:

-Christopher Walken reading Goodnight Moon.

-Johnny Tightlips, who makes his first appearance here.

-Krusty's failed performance infront of the soldiers in Iraq.





#4:
The Old Man and the Key
Season 13

Abe Simpson, Mr. Burns, and the various elderly are easily some of my favorite Simpsons characters, as I love the old timey humor the writers (especially John Schwartzwelder's stuff) put in, and my favorite episode of all time is full of it, so I knew I'd end up with either a Burns-centric or an Abe-centric episode.

The episode's plot is nothing original, it's another one of those episodes about how Homer doesn't treat old people seriously, but beyond that it's absolutely hilarious, mainly because of all the awesome jokes and sight gags thrown in, and oh boy are they everywhere in this episode. In short: Abe falls in love with a new woman at the retirement home, gets his drivers license because she only dates men with cars, ends up getting his license revoked, and steals Homer's car to try to win her back when she heads to Branson, Missouri.

Again, this is an episode you watch for the gags, and trust me, with the huge number of them, you'll see why.

My Favorite Moments:

-Old Man Yells At Cloud

-Bronson, Missouri, where everyone looks, talks, and sounds like Charles Bronson.

-The show at Branson involving Yakov Smirnoff, Charro, Mr. T, and other one-note celebrities of ages past.





#3:
Jaws Wired Shut
Season 13

Something the later seasons generally lacked, to me, was Homer - Marge episodes that still managed to be sweet, episodes like Duffless or even Natural Born Kissers. Thankfully, this episode falls into that category, and is pretty awesome for it.

Homer, after starting a riot in a movie theater, has his mouth wired shut until it can heal, and as such cannot eat solid foods, can't talk, and has issues consuming alcohol. Due to this, he learns to be a good listener, becomes more observant, and starts having quality time with his wife and kids. Eventually though, Marge becomes tired of how calm and quiet things are and has to do reckless things for entertainment.

It's sweet, it's funny, it feels more like something from around season 8 or so, and I strongly recommend it.

My Favorite Moments:

-The gay pride parade, which foreshadows Pattie coming out of the closet.

-Local Man Ruins Everything

-The pre-movie junk at the theater





#2:
Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
Season 13

As brought up before, I'm a sucker for sweet episodes, and I also love Mr. Burns centric episodes, so some of you may have seen this classic coming.

The episode centers around how lonely Mr. Burns is, being an evil, decrepit old man that doesn't understand today's culture. He ends up getting a date with a much younger woman, and hires Homer to help him woo her. Due to this, it's a combination of a love story for Mr. Burns, Mr. Burns coping with his age, and a Mr. Burns - Homer buddy episode, three things that work together extremely well, and lead to an episode that is both sweet and absolutely hilarious. I should also bring up that this episode was written by my favorite Simpsons writer of all time, John Schwartzwelder, who I strongly recommend looking into. The man wrote more episodes than any other person, and all of them are fantastic, most of my favorite episodes are in that list.

Homer gets a job writing for fortune cookies, which ends up leading Mr. Burns to seek out love. He ends up falling in love with a young female cop voiced by Seinfeld's Elaine, and alongside Homer for assistance, he begins dating her, until issues arise in the form of her ex-boyfriend: Snake.

My Favorite Moments:

-Smithers surrounded by attractive female dancers, having a nervous breakdown.

-Pretty much every exchange between Homer and Burns, especially the "put my hand on her leg" bit.

-Homer's idea of what pistol whipping entails.





And finally, what I feel is the best episode from seasons 12+...

#1:
HOMR
Season 12

I love this episode, so much. This episode isn't just the best episode from those seasons, this is one of my favorite episodes period.

Seriously, this episode has it all. There are some genuinely hilarious bits, it's a really sweet bonding episode between Homer and Lisa, something I feel often isn't done very well. It's somewhat similar to an older episode where Lisa finds out that as a Simpson she may get dumber with age, only inverted, and actually done -well-. I cannot praise this episode enough.

The story centers around Homer finding out that the reason he's a complete moron is because of a crayon he shoved up his nose as a child, which is now lodged in his brain. He has the crayon removed, which bumps up his IQ significantly, and the rest of the episode centers around Homer at first bonding with Lisa thanks to his newfound intelligence, and then realizing that as a person of above average intelligence, he's doomed to being just as unhappy as Lisa.

My Favorite Moments:

-"Increase my killing power, eh?"

-Lisa's graphs

-Pretty much every moment between Homer and Lisa in this episode. It's just such a great, sweet, bonding episode.


And with that, I've covered what I feel are the 10 best episodes of that era of Simpsons. Next I'll be covering, inversely, the worst episodes of the early seasons, and then after that, possibly what I feel are the best episodes of all time. I hope you enjoyed, and I really hope I've inspired some of you go to back and try these episodes again.